The High & Low of it

In one of the support groups that I conduct in my day job, the participants kept describing communication as an important way to build intimacy in their families. I wholeheartedly agreed with them, but I wanted to make sure that they really understood what they were advocating. After a few sessions I wrote some common phrases that someone might hear in a relationship. I asked them to read the statements and then formulate a reply acknowledging they understood the feelings in the statements. The next week I asked them to reflect back the content. The results were interesting. One guy summed up the experiment by saying, "We talk about communication all the time, but it turns out that it's a lot harder than we thought!"

Child development experts relate that there is often very little communication happening with our children. Often we grownups don't notice this because our families are awash with words. If we tape-recorded our family life we would soon discover that most of the words come in the form of telling them what to do: Do the dishes, Get your homework done, etc. Necessary, but not the most significant exchange of ideas, eh? We would be shocked and dismayed to learn that once we cut out all of that kind of stuff from the tape that there would probably only be a minute or two of substance each day.

This isn't meant to be another finger-pointing indictment of parents. I'm just mentioning it out because dads and moms are the most important influence on their children's character and values. Knowing that, wouldn't it make sense to have as many conversations about important things as possible? It may not always feel like it, but believe me, young people crave this kind of attention—even when they're too cool to show it.

One way to start is to observe the practice of Highs & Lows. It could be something you do together at the dinner table or before bedtime. Ask everyone tell the best part of their day (the High) and the worst part of their day (the Low). This is practical way to start the discussion because it discourages the typical one-word answer: How was your day?/Good. Also, it also teaches your child that there is a range of experiences each day. A good day has a little bad, and even a bad day has some good. When practiced consistently, Highs & Lows can really yield some heart-to-heart communication and foster intimacy in families.

Ian Eastman, M.A. is the Youth Coordinator for the Southwestern Conference of the Upstate New York Synod, the Coordinator of the Shared Lutheran Youth Ministry in Jamestown NY, and a Youth Minister in the Pastoral Care Department at Gustavus Adolphus Family Services. He is a student at the Institute for Youth Ministry at Princeton Theological Seminary. He promotes the spiritual development of young people and advocates for best practices in youth work.