A sermon seen

One of my mantras in youth work is  show don't tell. This comes out of two convictions: First, experience is a much better teacher than I ever expect to be. Second, young people will learn when they’re engaged. So most of my energy is spent setting up experiences that help them develop compassion and empathy. I look at my role more as a sounding board for what they discover. (I do help them out with a few good questions from time to time.)

Over the last several years I have been working with youth at-risk in a residential youth home. It has been a good experience if not always an easy one! So many adults have already failed these kids. Early on I was just another new face from “the system.” I persevered and learned patience. The youth saw some benefit, too, and the work became easier. Still, something was missing.

A lot of our discussion revolved around conflicts between residents over hurts both painfully real and imagined. Frankly, we had talked some of these things to death. Despite the evidence to the contrary—staff reassured me of the value of what I was doing and the youth kept showing up—I began to feel like we were barely making a dent.

One day it occurred to me. Maybe I could help them better if I showed rather than told them what to do. We decided to change our group from discussing topics around a table to doing some regular visitation in a retirement home. We'd be there for the seniors, I explained—visit with them, play board games and assemble puzzles, etc. In preparation, we brainstormed what they had in common with the seniors. They came up with these answers:

• Neither wanted to leave their home and live in a facility.
• They had to make new friends.
• They have to live-with and relate-to people they don’t “care for.”
• Someone else sets their agenda—decides when it’s time to eat, go to school (youth), take their medicine (adults), wash up, etc.
• They are in a place where they are kept safe and looked after. 
• They wonder about their place in the world—youth think about what their life will be like; the seniors think how their careers and roles are different now.
• They miss doing things they used to do and people they used to see. 

Too often the generations caricature each other. We look at the obvious differences: clothes, music, etc. But we discovered in this exercise that in some important ways they weren’t that different, after all.

It was amazing to see the youth transform. These same young people who would pick and fight with each quickly learned residents’ names and began greeting them. They were so considerate with the seniors, asking them what they wanted to do, and patiently explaining the directions if they were confused. One time I had to break up an argument between two girls, but they were at least arguing because they both wanted to give up their chairs to a late-arriving resident. That has to count for something!

Sometimes people don’t discover how gifted and capable they are until they are put in a situation out of the routine. At least it is true for these girls. I don't hold any illusions. These kids have experienced more in a decade and a half than I have in all of my 44 years. So much negative reinforcement. But I hold onto the hope that the good behavior (and the thought process behind it) at the retirement home will start to kick in when they're back at their dormitory, too. It will be their routine behavior when they leave the group home someday and make a home of their own. 

I think the poet Edward Guest said it best: "I'd rather see a sermon than hear one any day; I'd rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way."

Ian Eastman, M.A. is the Youth Coordinator for the Southwestern Conference of the Upstate New York Synod, the Coordinator of the Shared Lutheran Youth Ministry in Jamestown NY, and a Youth Minister in the Pastoral Care Department at Gustavus Adolphus Family Services. He is a student at the Institute for Youth Ministry at Princeton Theological Seminary. He promotes the spiritual development of young people and advocates for best practices in youth work.