Really listen

Last week I reviewed Jim Hancock's How to Volunteer Like a Pro. I wanted to include this poem from his book, but didn't have the space. I think it has a lot to say to about relationships to parents, volunteers, and anyone who works with youth:

Listen

You wanna know how I'm doing?

Don't ask.

Seriously.

Don't ask if you're not ready to listen.

Don't say, "How you doin'?"

I'll just say, "Fine."

It's the answer I'm trained to give

––whether it's true or not.

A shallow answer

to a shallow question.

Most people don't really wanna know;

they assume I know they're just being polite.

I don't think that's polite at all.

Short questions get short answers.

You wanna know how I'm doing?

Ask what I've been up to;

what I'm working on;

what's up with my family.

If you're asking me (and I sensed you were),

most of the best questions don't have question marks:

"Tell me about your sister."

"I'd like to hear about your job."

"Tell me how you felt."

"Tell me what you mean."

"I'd like to know more about that."

You wanna know how I feel when

You ask questions that way?

I feel included.

I feel cared for.

I feel like I belong.

Please…

if you already know the answer,

it's not really a question, is it…

––it's a test.

Please don't do that to me.

(I hate tests.)

Don't make me look foolish.

Don't trick me.

Don't use me to

make a point.

If you're serious,

ask what I think,

ask how I feel,

ask an honest question,

and wait for my honest answer.

Learn from silence.

If I don't answer right away

––if the silence goes on too long—

ask what that means.

Maybe I'm embarrassed.

Maybe I didn't understand the question.

(Maybe you weren't clear.)

Maybe I'm thinking (and wouldn't that be nice).

You wanna know how I'm doing?

Sometimes I'm sad

because life is confusing

and painful,

and we both know

there's nothing you can do to fix that.

It's okay. I'll be fine…truly.

That doesn’t mean I don't want you to check.

Give me a chance to tell you when I'm fine,

and maybe I'll tell you when I'm not.

Don't take my first response

at face value.

Listen with your eyes:

Do I look like I'm doing all right?

Listen with your heart: Do you believe my answer?

With the very best motives

––sometimes with the worst––

I'm capable of every kind of deceit.

Just like you.

Don't ask me to do what you won't.

If you wanna know my story,

tell me yours.

Let me know I'm safe––

let me know you're not perfect either.

When I believe that,

I'll talk your ear off.

Taken from How to Volunteer Like a Pro by Jim Hancock. Copyright © 2009 by Jim Hancock. Used by permission of Zondervan, www.zondervan.com.